Can't get excited

40 weeks 2 days

So one way or another, I will have the baby in 5 days.  As expected, the doctor is insisting on inducing me early on Tuesday.  I have an appointment on Monday to check my progress.  If I'm still not in labor, they will have me go to the hospital Monday night and be given a drug to ripen my cervix and get me ready to be induced.  Then the next morning they start my pitocin and hopefully have a baby sometime that same day.

The main thing that worries me about getting induced is I've had no dilation.  My doctor says that if I haven't dilated any when they start the pitocin that my chances of needing a c-section go up to 50%.  I'm trying to not think about it, but it does make me nervous about letting them induce me.  A c-section could greatly impact my ability to vaginally deliver any future babies.

Also, because I've had off and on cramping for a couple weeks now, it's getting hard to get excited about the possibility of going into labor soon.  I've had enough false alarms when I thought for sure my body was starting the process that I can't get excited about cramping and the occasional contraction.  I know it's my body toning the muscles for labor, but I've grown despondent about it.  I feel like the only thing I can do to maintain my sanity is just accept that I won't go into labor naturally, even though the point of waiting until Tuesday is to give baby every chance of coming on his own before then.

All I can do is try to distract myself.  Unless I actually go into labor, I feel like I can't get excited about it.  And the induction is just a mess of fear and doubts about if I'll be able to get my med-free birth.  My comfort comes from thinking about afterwards, when I get to actually be a parent and put into practice everything I've been reading about.